Domestic Violence Healing: How to Reframe Your Story After Abuse

Does Your Story Empower You?

Hello Courageous Women,

Have you ever caught yourself repeating the same painful story about your past, one that keeps you stuck in fear, anger, or hopelessness?

In May 2012, I had a moment of raw honesty with myself. I realized I had been waiting for someone else to fix my life for four years. Four years of expecting him to do the right thing. Four years of believing the system would finally make things fair. Four years of telling myself the same disempowering story over and over.

That is when I understood something that changed everything: the story I was telling myself was keeping me trapped.

The Story That Kept Me Stuck

For years, my internal narrative sounded like this:

“He is responsible for my situation. Life is unfair. The system is unjust. I am powerless until someone else does what they are supposed to do.”

This story felt true. In many ways, it was true. But clinging to it as my identity was quietly destroying my chance to rebuild.

I was so focused on what he wasn’t doing, hoping he would change, that I was exhausting myself. The story made me a victim of circumstance instead of someone who could create change.

The Moment Everything Shifted

Sometimes life pushes you to a breaking point where you see you have two choices: stay stuck in the story that’s draining you, or write a new one.

For me, that moment came when I had to face a hard truth: I could keep waiting for him to do the right thing (which he had proven he wouldn’t), or I could take my power back and focus on what I could control: my own life.

The shift from “he should” to “I will” was scary, but also freeing. I was no longer waiting for someone else to give me permission to move forward.

This is what I later recognized as reclaiming my authentic self after abuse. I share more about that in Unmasking My True Self: What Happens When You Finally Stop Pretending.

The Fear of Rewriting Your Story

Changing your story doesn’t happen overnight, and it isn’t about “just think positive.” Survival mode often makes dysfunction feel safer than freedom.

I remember thinking: Where will I live? How will I support myself? What if I fail? How will I support my four boys? These weren’t just fears, they were real questions.

But I also had to ask myself: what was scarier, staying trapped in a story where someone else controlled my future, or facing the unknown and reclaiming my life?

Books like Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway (Susan Jeffers) and You Can Heal Your Life (Louise Hay) reminded me that fear is normal. What matters is learning to act anyway and trusting that “I can handle it”, which also became my mantra.

From Victim to Author

My old story was:
“I am powerless. Life happens to me. My future was in the hands of his decisions and the authorities that kept failing me."

My new story became:
“I will create my life, on my terms. I am stronger than I realize. I can depend on myself.”

Instead of asking, “Why won’t he do what’s right?” I started asking, “What can I do today to move forward?”

This shift in questions changed everything.

What Drove the Change

My love for my children was ultimately what drove me to rewrite my story. I realized that staying stuck in victim thinking wasn’t just hurting me, it was affecting my ability to create a stable life for them.

I had to get honest about what I could and couldn’t control. I couldn’t control his behavior, the authorities, or how long things took to resolve. But I could control my mindset, my daily actions, and my determination to rebuild.

I started telling myself: “I am strong. I can make changes in my life. I have endured so much in the past, I can get back on my feet.”

This wasn’t wishful thinking. It was based on evidence: I had survived abuse, I had left when it seemed impossible, I had kept going through legal battles and setbacks. I had proof of my own strength.

Daily Practice of Story Changing

Rewriting your narrative is a daily practice. Some days I slipped back into victim thoughts. On those days, I had to catch myself and ask: “Is this thought moving me forward or keeping me stuck?”

I leaned on gratitude, not forced, fake gratitude, but noticing small steady things that kept me going. I share more about this gentle practice in Finding Light in Darkness: How Practicing Gratitude Can Help Domestic Violence Survivors Heal.

If you would like to practice this shift daily, my 5-Day Inner Gratitude Course, is a beautiful place to begin. It’s simple, practical, and can help you start rewriting your story one small step at a time.

The Stages of Story Transformation

Over time, I saw that survivors move through stages as they rewrite their stories:

🌼Emerging Daffodil — You begin noticing your thoughts and realizing some keep you stuck.

🦋Fluttering Butterfly — You start trying out new narratives like “I don’t know how yet, but I can learn.”

🪶Soaring Feather — You begin releasing victim stories and loosening their grip.

🌳Resilient Oak Tree — Empowering thoughts become natural; you live from strength and possibility.

Not sure where you are right now? Take my Discover Your Healing Path Quiz, it’s designed to help survivors identify their current stage with compassion.

The Hard Truth and the Freedom

Rewriting your story doesn’t erase painful realities. You will still face challenges, unfair authorities, and hard days.

But it changes your relationship with those realities. You start approaching them as someone with choices, strength, and resilience.

The Freedom in Being Captain of Your Soul

The most liberating part of rewriting your story is realizing that you are the captain of your soul. You get to choose what comes next. You are no longer just a character in someone else’s drama, you are directing your own life.

This doesn’t mean you are responsible for what was done to you. It means you are taking responsibility for what you do with your life moving forward.

Sometimes this step feels lonely. You are no longer waiting for someone else to make things right, you are creating your own version of right. I share more about navigating that kind of solitude in The Holidays When You’re Alone: What No One Tells You.

Questions to Ask Yourself

If you are ready to look at your own story, ask yourself:

What story am I telling myself about my situation?
Does it empower me or keep me stuck?
What can I control today, and what do I need to release?
What evidence do I already have of my resilience?
How would my story sound if I were the hero instead of the victim?

Your Story Is Still Being Written

The story you have been carrying isn’t permanent. You can begin rewriting it today, with honesty, with hope, and with strength.

Your new story might simply begin with: “I don’t know how this will work out, but I will figure it out one step at a time.”

And that’s enough. That’s a story worth telling.

Walking beside you in light & courage,

If you are ready to explore who you are beneath the masks, consider joining my private Facebook community where other survivors are discovering their authentic selves in a safe, understanding space.

I warmly invite you to join as a community member.

This is a safe haven for women reclaiming their lives after abuse, a place where you can access the full blog library, find encouragement and feel supported as you take your next steps.

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Curious where you are on your healing path?

Take the free Discover Your Healing Path quiz

a simple way to see your stage in the journey and receive guidance for your next step.